The dark underbelly of romantic relationships has made itself piercingly clear to me, about a year post-breakup from my most recent boyfriend. Everyone hooks up with their ex. I had no idea. Nobody bothered to tell me. I feel as if I was completely unaware of the community of ex-fuckers, an underground group of those intentionally not moving on due to an animalistic desire for sex. I’m here to report that I’ve joined the underbelly. I’ve pushed my way through the empty promises of seeing other people. I’m not trying to hide anything anymore. I’m having sex with my ex, and a lot of other people are too.

But why? Why do we do this? The people I know who do this are attractive, smart, kind, young people. We could sleep with most anyone if we so desired - but we don’t. We choose to return to a bed covered in blood, sweat, and tears. When choosing this, we reject the promises of clean, well-starched sheets.

I believe all of this turmoil and lust is for one distinct reason: head.

You might be wondering - but you can get head from anyone, why go back to your ex? I think I speak for many people when I say I find oral sex to be an incredibly tender exchange of pleasure. The receiver must be vulnerable by exposing themselves to their partner, and their partner must do the selfless act of giving pleasure without simultaneously receiving (I am excluding the 69 position because it’s not as common as one-at-a-time oral sex). Penetrative sex isn’t a selfless act because (if done properly and consensually), it is pleasurable for both parties simultaneously. 

Oftentimes, exes who are on good terms feel a great amount of tenderness and empathy for one another. These feelings are essential for acts of giving, especially of a physical nature. With hookup culture, people often see others they are attracted to as objects of desire. It is difficult to feel empathy toward an object. It is even more difficult to feel tenderness towards one. To understand someone deeply compels you to sleep with them, to do things for them. To give them head, even. You’ve seen them in moments of pleasure before, and you’ve understood them fully. 

As a straight woman, I’m speaking from a place in which one-off hookups with men won’t often lead to me receiving oral sex. If they do, it feels as if their tongue is wandering between my legs, unsure of how to grant pleasure to a body that is so new. Sometimes, men need to be clearly told how to pleasure a woman. I personally don’t want to write an instruction manual for my clitoris. I believe men’s lack of knowledge of female anatomy is due to a number of reasons. One of which being, no matter how prevalent sexual education is in schooling, there’s a significant lack of emphasis on the importance of pleasure during intercourse. Not informing those who are entering a world of sexuality on the importance of giving and receiving pleasure makes sex into a breeding act (if you are engaging in heterosexual sex). Men then understand performing oral on women to be a way of warming them up, getting them ready for the big act. Male-on-female oral sex isn’t a priority, but rather an appetizer. Most of the time, women never orgasm from penetrative sex, so the central vehicle for pleasure is swatted aside as it doesn’t contribute to conventional reproductive needs. 

According to a Mayo Clinic article published in 2022, fewer than one in five women say they can orgasm from penetrative sex alone (White). Researchers from Chapman University and Indiana University polled a group of 52,588 adults to inquire about their sexual satisfaction. They found that heterosexual men were most likely to orgasm while sexually intimate. In fact, 95% of the men polled reported an orgasm. This study revealed that only 65% of women orgasm during sex, including manual genital stimulation and oral pleasure (Frederick…). In fact, women who orgasmed more frequently were more likely to, “receive more oral sex, have longer duration of last sex, be more satisfied with their relationship (2, Frederick...).”

Be more satisfied with their relationship…huh. Speaking from personal experience, I find that I trust my ex perhaps more than anyone else I know. He cares about me, and I, him. This level of trust and familiarity is what makes the sex so good. I find it’s unfortunately true that sometimes, the only men who can treat women as something other than objects of desire, are men who have engaged with them in intense and meaningful relationships. In short: ex-boyfriends. Are we as women reverting back to our exes because we feel mistreated and used by other men? There is security in knowing that the man you’re going to bed with has seen you be emotionally vulnerable, that you contain more than what is under your clothes?

While I believe there is a great amount of truth in my assessment, it certainly doesn’t justify the pleasure gap between men and women. 30% according to our pleasure researchers at Chapman and Indiana! 

The system in which we operate is so broken, it feels difficult to change anything as an individual. I can’t wake up tomorrow and tell every man to read scientific journals on the orgasm gap. Because, well, they wouldn’t. This being said, fuck whoever you want. If you want to go back to your ex, sure, do it, nobody cares more than you. At the end of the day, it’s nice to return to a familiar bed, no matter how bloodied and messy the sheets.